Episode 6: BFF Formation
Scene: A hallway in St. Theresa's School for Girls.
The chellcurius giant "BFF X" constructed by the Mercurius Foundation has escaped from their control and gone on a destructive rampage.
BFF X
CHELLUPA, CHELELILI, CHELLOLALELOOOOO!
Student 1
Kyaaa!? Why is our schoolhouse quaking so!?
Student 2
Some sort of giant has rampaging through the courtyard! And it seems to be using strange language to diss its opponents! This is a serious matter for the school -- we should check on the situation!
Student 3
Ehh... I feel like I recognize the way that being keeps saying things like "chelle," but... it couldn't be, could it?
Scene: The courtyard in St. Theresa's School for Girls.
Chloe
Pfff... What do we do now. People are starting to gather around on their own.
Yuni
The remaining students in the school must have come after hearing this racket. One could say that we haven't the time or capacity to direct an evacuation, but it is also unclear whether anywhere else would be safer.
Yuni
That being the case, ladies and gentlemen. What shall we do.
Chloe
Dunno... Maybe it'll be fine if we just beat the crap out of this giant, cheeky piece of junk.
Chelle
Sure, if we can do it! How are supposed to beat something like that!? A dangerous metal monster like that isn't gonna be stopped by us weaklings, is it!?
Akino
There is no need to worry. We of the Mercurius Foundation will rectify this error.
Yuno
Oh, Miss Akino!
Mifuyu
Naturally. We can't allow this to become a stain on the history of St. Theresa's School for Girls.
Tamaki
The Mercurius Foundation is gonna show its true strength! Just stand back and watch!
Chelle
Mifuyu...! And Tamaki...!
Yukari
Ha ha, just leave it all to us grown-ups.
Chloe
Even Miss Ouroboros here...!
Yukari
......
Yukari
Who? Ouro... eh, what?
Chloe
Miss Ouroboros. I finally remembered it a moment ago. The place where I said I'd seen you before, Miss Yukari.
Chloe
A while ago, at this one place I worked... I mean, volunteered at for a day, there was this crazy lady who drank and drank beer until the storehouse was empty. The manager called her that. He said something like, she drinks more than an Ouroboros.
Yuni
Ouroboros. In the legends, a great serpent biting its own tail. The beginning and the end, all are one, infinitely and eternally. It seems that, as many as exist already, this is yet another novel way to describe a drunkard. Memo, memo.
Yukari
... W-What are you talking about... I think you have the wrong person.
Yukari
Also... There was no need to bring up that story at this moment. Because, you know? It wasn't relevant, right? So, how about we stop? Look, everyone's staring dead-eyed at me... T-Tamaki, it isn't true!
Tamaki
I didn't say anything. Really, there's nothing to say, nya.
Mifuyu
Why does our guild always have this kind of tension...
Yuuki
1. "I'll fight together with you, mentor."
Mifuyu
No. It's admirable of you to offer, but the students need you right now. This is an order from your mentor -- protect your friends from this school.
Chloe
C-Cool... Miss Dragon Slayer is seriously cool...
Akino
Now, let's go! Mifuyu, Tamaki, Ouroboros!
Tamaki & Yukari & Mifuyu
Yeah!
BFF X
CHELULULU... RESPONDING TO FOUR INBOUND ENTITIES. COMMENCING SELF-DEFENSE ROUTINES.
Tamaki
Taaake this, nya!
BFF X
TARGETING TAMAKI. DEDICATED INTERCEPTING WEAPON: TAIYAKI CANNON, FIRE.
Tamaki
N-Nya!? Taiyaki, nya! Don't waste those, nya!
BFF X
TOO EASY CHELLU.
Tamaki
Nyaooh!? Y-You got me...
Chloe
Taiyaki cannon. Huh. What's with that.
Akino
Tamaki was saying, "we gotta have one, nya!" as she added that unconventional weapon.
Yukari
Oh, what are you doing, Tamaki! I'm up next, BFF X!
Yukari
Haaah!
BFF X
TARGETING YUKARI. DEDICATED INTERCEPTING WEAPON: BEER SPLASH, FIRE.
Yukari
Eep, cough!? This is... bad...! Ahhh, I feel sooo goooood nowww...!
BFF X
INSTAKILLED. HILARIOUS.
Yukari
Hic... I can't drink no moooore...!
Chelle
Um... What was that just now?
Akino
"Beer mode" was an unconventional weapon that Yukari slipped into the budget. How that went from a line item to an actual piece of equipment is something that I will have to review.
Mifuyu
The two of you are quite undisciplined. But you won't be able to discern my weaknesses so easily!
Mifuyu
Here comes, BFF X!
BFF X
TARGETING MIFUYU. DEDICATED DEFENSE BARRIER: JEWEL SHIELD, ACTIVATE.
Mifuyu
Eh, jewels...? Ah! If we had those, we'd be able to cover the damages to the school incredibly efficiently...!
BFF X
YOUR GUARD IS DOWN CHELLU.
Mifuyu
Kyaaa!
Akino
Ugh, what were you looking at that for, Mifuyu! If that was what you were thinking, then keep in mind that those very jewels were extras that came from my family storehouse!
Chloe
Okay, but it was all your mistakes that brought her down. Quit being a drag on the dragon slayer.
Tamaki & Yukari & Mifuyu
Kyuuu...!
Chelle
Um... You were all super serious when you were running out to fight, but it seems like you Mercuries got totally destroyed... Is this gonna be okay?
Akino
The BFF X... It seems to be more capable that I'd expected. We weren't crazy after all to have seen the brilliance in your ideas.
BFF X
MAIN GUN IS FULLY CHARGED.
Chelle
Nooo! This is bad! It's gonna do that terrible pewww attack again!
Akino
... So it seems. In that case, it falls to me. BFFs Club members, you must escape now.
Chloe
You kidding, there's no way you can do it yourself. Instead, the three of us should...
Akino
What are you saying, Chloe. Are we not the officially sanctioned Mercurius Foundation? Not only am I not kidding, but on the contrary...
BFF X
TARGETING AKINO. MAIN GUN, FIRE.
The attack is blocked.
Akino
YOU are the one who is kidding! Ahhh ha ha ha!!
Yuni
Ohh, incredible...! Miss Akino completely blocked the beam...!
Tamaki & Yukari & Mifuyu
Haaaaah!
Yuni
What's more, her other companions from the Foundation have mustered a second wind! This is the power of their bonds -- a fiery development, perhaps this is the true meaning of youth!
Akino
N-Now, BFFs Club...! Use this moment to escape...!
Chloe
I hear her, but do you guys wanna?
Yuuki
1. "We won't run!"
Yuni
Indeed! Witnessing them has set me ablaze as well. Ladies and gentlemen, we have experienced our own fiery development. I can hear fiery theme music playing in my heart. Let us smash that garbage action figure to bits.
Chloe
Fine with me. Not like I was planning to from the start.
Chelle
The BFFs Club's activities start now! Chelluun!
Akino
Everyone...!
Chloe
Ah, nice, the enemy's giant beam is tapped out. That means it's time to go...!
Chelle
Mercuries, feel free to take a quick break! ... Just make sure to protect us when the next pewww happens.
Yuni
The power of youth! Yunichan's, attack!
Yuuki
1. Power up everyone.
BFFs Club
Hiyaaaah!
Chloe
Jeez... This thing's tough. For real.
Chelle
No way...! Our attacks didn't do a thing!?
Yuni
Hmm, we've been beaten back. I even made a big show out of flashily swinging my weapon, but this is a formidable enemy indeed. Without a plan, I can see no chance of victory.
Yuuki
1. "You can do it, BFFs Club!"
BFF X
THE B-F-F-S CLUB, CAN DO IT...? GAGA, CHELLU... CHELALI... CHE...?
Chelle
... Huh? Is this thing, like, totally bugging out?
Yuni
This reaction... Did Yuuki's words cause some sort of dysfunction in its self-conception?
Yuni
Hmm... Miss Akino. I recall you said that the core of the BFF X was based off of my Yunicopter.
Akino
Y-Yes... That's right...
Chelle
That means... Right! It should have the same stupid flaws!
Yuni
R-Right, well, I guess you could express things concisely that way. But that choice of phrase worries your upperclassman somewhat, yes.
BFF X
B-F-F... GAGA, B-F-F...
Yuni
B-F-F...? Oh, now I understand. BFFs.
Chloe
Ah? What's this all of a sudden. I think you're going chelly in the head.
Yuni
Hm, yes, what you said just now proves my point. The personality settings of the BFF X were modeled after you, Chloe, the queen of verbal abuse.
Chloe
Hey, what. No, I mean, sure, but...
Chelle
Isn't that kind of misinterpreting Chloe?
Yuni
Agreed, it is a misinterpretation. Chloe may appear to be an ice queen on the surface, but that is not her true personality.
Yuni
Similarly, it has also misinterpreted the rest of the BFFs Club. In its mind, the BFFs Club is a gathering of unfriendly people who only fling insults back and forth.
Yuni
No, that must be it. Because its thinking is inflexible. Seeing us rising as one to face adversity contradicted its definitions. Thus causing an error just now.
Chloe
Huh. Kinda hard to understand.
Chelle
Can you say it in 10 words or less?
Yuni
Its weakness is BFFs.
Chelle & Chloe
Got it.
Akino
You understood that!?
Yuuki
1. "The BFFs Club is all BFFs."
Yuni
Now, let's do this one more time, ladies and gentlemen. We'll take it down with our Final Operation: "BFF Proclamation!"
Chloe
Never heard of it.
Chloe
Guess I'll leave the specifics to you. I'll just go on and tear this guy a new one!
BFF X
SLIGHT DAMAGE RECEIVED. SWITCHING TO INTERCEPTION MODE.
BFF X
SPEECH FUNCTIONALITY -- TARGETING CHLOE.
Yuni
Oh! Prepare yourself, Chloe! It's readying a mind attack, just like the one it used to render Mother Hilda unstable!
BFF X
YOUR FACE IS WAY TOO SCARY. MAKES CHILDREN CRY, SERIOUSLY.
Chloe
... Huh. So? I know that. Saying it now doesn't do a thing. Not a thing...
Yuni
Ohh! As expected of the established insult authority Chloe Ironheart, the psychological attack had no eff... eh, it had no effect, right?
BFF X
SMUG CANDY ADDICT. HOBO FACE. WEARS A SCHOOL UNIFORM EVERY DAY. CUTE INSIDE BUT SELF-PROCLAIMED COOL. GOES SWEET LIKE ITS ON SALE. NOTHING BUT A MOE CHARACTER. 7-TRILLION POINT CHAMPION OF "LANDOL'S WORST NAMING SENSE TOURNAMENT."
Chloe
... N-Not a thing... Doesn't do a thing...!
Yuni
This is bad, against such an unending storm of insults, even Chloe has been slightly brought to tears.
Chelle
And like, what's this ugly hunk of junk even saying? Those are Chloe's cute points, so that's all nothing but praise.
Yuni
Precisely. Her severity and her kindness are both two sides of the same coin. An observer would never get enough of either side. To express things more concisely, she's a master class in cool and cute.
Chelle
Yuuki, you too! Lift Chloe's spirits back up with us!
Yuuki
1. "Chloe is both cool and cute!"
Chloe
Huh!? Wha... Gross, eh, what was that, gross.
Chloe
Huh? No, I mean... Not saying you should shut your mouth. How come, well, it's a part of the plan to defeat the enemy, so. Say what you've gotta say. I mean, well, just in case, maybe say it one more time. Yeah.
Chelle
(Easy...)
Yuni
(That's too far, Chloe.)
BFF X
CHLOE, CUTE... GAGA, GA...!
Akino
It's working! Now I see, its weakness is BFFs. I can see that fighting fire with fire was the exact opposite of what the real BFFs Club would do -- and that this was your trump card, Operation "BFF Proclamation!"
Chelle
Miss Akino, did you really think our guild was that antisocial?
BFF X
CHANGING TARGETS. TARGET, CHELLE.
BFF X
YOUR STRAINED BOASTS ARE ANNOYING. EVERYONE SAYS SO BEHIND YOUR BACK.
Chelle
Ahh, there it is, "people say." Yeah, yeah, I get it. All the time. But whatever! I'm super used to that...
BFF X
NOISE POLLUTION. ALWAYS PUTTING ON A FARCE. CRAPPY IDOL WANNABE. YOUR REAL VOICE IS DEEPER. BUSINESS CHELLUUN. ONE-TRICK PONY. YOUR WEIRD VOICE AND WEIRD BEHAVIOR WILL SCREW YOU FOR LIFE. WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANNA DO?
Chelle
HAAAH! No way, seriously, no way! Can't even stand looking at you, no way! Hate this, feel sick, wanna puke, going home.
Yuni
Please calm yourself, Chelle. I don't think that of you. The dazzling sociable spirit you display in all situations is quite sublime. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, we both have much to learn from you.
Chloe
Yeah. It's kinda hard to put in words. But in boring moments, you know how to liven things up just right, you know? Kinda like that. Hey, Yuuki, you say what you think too.
Yuuki
1. "Things are fun when you're around, Chelle!"
Chelle
Eh... Oh, you really mean that. Hee hee, I'm kinda happy to hear you say that so directly.
Yuni
(Easy...)
Chloe
(That's too far.)
BFF X
CHELLE, FUN... GA, GAGAGAGA...!
Akino
Its movements are becoming more erratic...! Everyone, just a little more!
BFF X
CHANGING TARGETS TO YUNI.
BFF X
FLAT.
Yuni
... Chloe, what is it saying.
Chloe
Could you stop treating me like some kind of authority on insults. Anyway, well, I think it has to do with your physical development, or something.
Yuni
Is that an insult...?
Yuni
Hah. I am amazed that you should choose such an antiquated topic. You may say as much as you'd like about these material affairs. After all, as they say, beauty is only skin deep. In this world, matters of personality are of much greater import than those of physical form.
Yuni
What's more, my body is merely in the oyster stage in development, before a pearl is formed. Dear, dear, it seems that such meaningless things are incapable of shaking my tranquil heart.
BFF X
CONGRATS PIPSQUEAK, THIS IS YOUR FINAL FORM.
Yuni
What did you say, you brute!
Chloe
Wait, wait, wait, she couldn't even take a cheap taunt like that. Everyone knows that Yuni's more mature than she looks.
Chelle
That's right! Yuni's not just cute, she also teaches me about all kinds of difficult things I had no idea about! C'mon, Yuuki, you say something, too!
Yuuki
1. "Yuni's discussions are very educational."
Yuni
Really? No, no, you mean that? To think that you would say such a thing about me, ehehe. You mustn't flatter me so, ohoho.
Chloe
(Easy...)
Chelle
(That's too far.)
BFF X
YUNI, CLEVER... B-F-F... B-F-F...!
Akino
It's stopped moving and started spewing smoke! All we have to do is finish it off! It's a no-insult finish, BFFs Club!
BFFs Club
Yeaaaah!
BFFs Club
The BFFs Club is...
Yuuki
1. "All BFFs!"
BFF X
THE BFFS CLUB... IS ALL BFFS... CHELLUUN, CHELLU, CHELLA, CHELLO...
BFF X
CHELLALALILALALELOLOPPA, CHEMIPILULUMILICHEPIPO, CHELUPIPULUCHECHELLUUN!
Chloe
Pfff... That's that.
Akino
You did it! The BFF X has completed ceased to operate!
Yuni
Yes, this was a victory woven from the bonds of Yunichan's.
Chelle
That's right, this was a victory woven from the bonds of St. Theresa's School for Girls (BFFs Club).
Yuuki
1. "I feel like we're forgetting about something..."
BFF X
CONTRADICTION CANNOT BE RESOLVED. A FATAL ERROR HAS OCCURRED.
Yuni
... Huh?
BFF X
ACTIVATING SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE. COUNTDOWN BEGINNING, 60...
Chelle
Ahhhh! That's right, it explodes at the end!
Yuni
Calm yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. We should calmly bring the exhausted Tamaki and the others along as we move farther away. Why, we still have 60 seconds until...
BFF X
59... 58... SIGH, TIRING... 10... 9...
Chelle
It just skipped the counting!? Chloe, why did it do that!?
Chloe
Why're you asking me. I mean... Eh, maybe this isn't the time for jokes, huh?
Chelle
That's just what I'm saying! This is bad! A dangerous role reversal!
BFF X
8... 7...
Yuni
Hmm, we no longer have time to escape. If we could only destroy its nuclear reactor, we could keep the strength of the explosion to a minimum...
Chloe
Eh, sure, but who's gonna do that.
Akino
......!
Yuni
Ah, Miss Akino...!?
Yuuki
1. "What are you planning to do?"
Akino
You said we should destroy the nuclear reactor, yes? Leave it to me!
BFF X
6... 5...
Yuni
Wait, let me finish! If you do that, you'll be taking the impact from point blank...!
Akino
That's fine with me! As the guild master of the Mercurius Foundation... And as the special course instructor at St. Theresa's School for Girls, this is my responsibility!
BFF X
4...
Mifuyu
U-Ugh...
Mifuyu
Ah!? Akino, what are you...!
BFF X
3...
Yukari
Eh!? Akino, don't!!
BFF X
2...
Tamaki
Akinoooo!
BFF X
1...
Akino
Farewell, everyone! This is how the story of Akino Wisteria ends! In a proud blaze of glory!
Yuuki
1. "Akino!"
BFFs Club
AKINOOOOO!
An explosion.
Chloe
She seriously did it...
Chelle
But, it was the best way to go out...
Yuni
Ah, what a fiery development. My metaphysical tears won't stop flowing...
Mifuyu
Akino... You were a great person...!
Yukari
I'll pour out a beer for you every day...!
Tamaki
We'll take care of the Mercurius Foundation from here... We'll build the greatest taiyaki shop in Landsol for you...!
Everyone
Akino...!
Everyone
Rest in peace...!
Chelle
What a moving tale...
Tamaki
And so they all lived happily ever after.
And so, St. Theresa's School for Girls was spared from being consumed by the explosion. However, this came at great cost. Heiress of Flame, Akino Wisteria -- farewell, and thank you!
Akino
Cough, cough!
Yuni
... Ah.
Akino
Ahh, that was a flashier explosion than I'd expected!
Chelle
Woooow, she lived!
Chloe
I know, right.
Yuni
Yes. I had gotten that general feeling in the middle of it all.
Chelle
Famous enough celebs are immortal like that, huh.
Tamaki
Akino's just that sturdy. She might've had Yukari's sacred blessing this time, but even without it, I think she'd have to be just as lively.
Yukari
This was over the top even for our guild master. But it's good that we were able to take care of this huge problem without anyone being badly hurt.
Mifuyu
Yes, that's right... The only remaining problem is the state of the schoolhouse...
Akino
From the flames that singed me, a new business idea has been born! Students of St. Theresa's School for Girls, things have turned out just as I promised at the start!
Akino
Ahh ha ha ha!
Setting aside the matter of the schoolhouse, which had been spectacularly blown apart, the Lady of Wisteria's thunderous laugh rang out towards the blue sky.