Episode 5: Docking with Explosive Flair

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Scene: A lecture hall inside St. Theresa's School for Girls.

Several days after their valiant defeat in the special course, the members of St. Theresa's School for Girls (BFFs Club) had already returned to their tranquil and slightly dull lives, completely as usual.

Yuni
Hey, thank you for waiting, ladies and gentlemen. Guild Master Yuni reporting in, coming all the way from her former school in the Ivory Tower.

Chloe
Eh, what's up with Yuni -- a few days pass and she doesn't have a regret in the world. Hurry up and bring out the apology gifts.

Yuni
Chloe, that's quite enough. No more of your antisocial suggestions of being owed monetary compensation.

Chelle
Good chellning! Considering your low blood pressure, it's good to see that you're up bright and early in the morning after sleeping well!

Yuni
Chelle, that's quite enough. You may be the type to worry for another's physical condition after only a glance, but no more underhanded criticisms of my usual late rising.

Yuni
Having the three of us treat each other with friendly love and peace is the stated purpose of our guild Yunichan's, after all.

Chelle
That's right. Having the three of us treat each other with friendly love and peace is the stated purpose of our guild St. Theresa's School for Girls (BFFs Club), after all.

Yuni
Now, then, I heard that the four of us had been "summoned" somewhere today. Chloe, this summons can only mean one thing. Something to do with a duel between delinquent gangs, as seen in many classic films set in schools.

Chloe
No, I dunno. I haven't heard a thing.

Chloe
And even if it was that kind of "let's take this outside" summons, I dunno why you're so fired up about it.

Yuni
No, I am of course aware of the illegality of transporting things outdoors in this context. However, in this school life, the lines between good and evil are blurred. I cannot say that I have truly made the most of my youth until I have participated.

Yuni
With that said, hmm, it's surprising that you don't know, Chloe. Very well, although I myself am self-taught, I will teach you the proper manner of responding.

Yuni
First off, when accosted by the vanguard of a delinquent gang that is after our belongings, one must repeatedly jump vertically to cause the jingle in one's pockets to ring out. Yuuki, let us practice this step together.

Yuuki
1. Practice together.

Yuni
Boing, boing.

Chelle
Neither of you are making any noise. You don't have a single coin on you, so there's no point in jumping.

Teacher
Everyone, good day. I see that everyone is assembled.

Chloe
Oh, the teacher's here. 'Sup.

Chelle
Chelluun!

Yuni
Boing, boing.

Teacher
My goodness... This is certainly not proper. It's sad that none of you have learned proper greetings at all despite being St. Theresa's students.

Teacher
Why, I had already learned such decorum by the time I was a young girl...

Chelle
Teacher! Did you call us here for something today?

Teacher
Ah... Ahh, that's right. I've been keeping my guests waiting.

Chloe
Your guests. Huh.

Teacher
They've just now brought the item over. Please, make your way to the courtyard now. My guests will be waiting for you there.

BFFs Club
Huh...

Scene: The courtyard in St. Theresa's School for Girls.

Chloe
Wow, what's going on... Doesn't the courtyard feel cramped?

Chelle
It really does. It's because there's that gigantic tarp in the middle, covering something up like it's a surprise. Smells like trouble. Though I've got no idea what could be under there.

Yuni
However, I can recognize that scent of oil and steel. Hmm, Mother Hilda said that something had been brought over. Which means that this must have been delivered from outside... I wonder how.

Chloe
You're really asking "how." You don't think that's the less important part.

Yuni
I was not asking, I was only pondering. I can feel in my heart both scholarly wonder and scholarly apprehension, coming and going simultaneously. To express things more concisely, I'm excited and nervous.

Chelle
Nothing good ever happens when Yuni says something like that, right?

Chloe
Hey, yeah. Cut it out. This is like that explosion that you did earlier.

Yuni
In fact, my current excitement exceeds what it was then. Now, let's see what happpens.

Chelle
Wait...! No way, how about you just see it on your own, Yuni!

Yuni
Do not say such uncouth things. We are all partners in destiny, as fellow members of the one and only BFFs Club.

Chelle
That's right. We're all fellow members of the BFFs...

Chelle
Wait, in this situation, our GM went back to using the real name!

Akino
How wonderful! Ahh ha ha!

Chloe
Ah, it's that lively girl.

Tamaki
We're here too, nya.

Chloe
And her lively friends.

Chelle
Don't be rude, Chloe. The correct name is the "Chellcurius Foundation."

Chelle
With that said, hi hi, long time no chelle!

Yuni
Hmm, so it was you ladies who summoned us here. Very well, allow me to start this reunion properly... Boing, boing.

Yuuki
1. "Boing, boing."

Akino
W-What exactly... is this ritual...?

Chloe
Ah, somehow, this girl thinks that being summoned and jumping around are related. You're fine just ignoring her.

Chelle
Uh, so, what did you need us for today? Akino, I feel like when you showed up, you were shouting about something being wonderful.

Akino
I must have raised my voice without thinking. Those words were from the heart, members of St. Theresa's School for Girls (BFFs Club).

Akino
The BFFs Club is always together, it seems. You've left a strong impression on me. Friendship is certainly a beautiful thing.

Chloe
Eh, is that what she thought after hearing our banter earlier. Where'd she pick up that nuance from? It's possible to read too much between the lines, you know.

Mifuyu
Well, that aside. We came here because we wanted to talk business with you all one more time.

Yuni
Oh...? But, the projects that we previously presented to you were all mercilessly shot down one after another.

Mifuyu
Yes, that's true. But, even though your projects definitely had their flaws, they also showed a uniqueness that the other students didn't... That is to say, in a way, you left a real impact on us.

Yukari
So, after the end of the special course, our guild master... Akino had this to say.

Tamaki
By gathering up excellent ideas and merging them into one, something even greater will be born! That's the golden rule of business! ... Just like that, nya.

Chloe
By gathering up... excellent ideas... and merging... mer, merging...

Chloe
Too long. I thought that if I repeated it to myself, I'd get something out of it, but it's long. No can do. Shorten it.

Yuuki
1. "By merging them into one, something even greater will be born!"

Akino
Yes, just as Sir Yuuki stated!

Akino
All of your ideas may have unfortunately ended with no rupees, but seeing your unique inventions filled us with great excitement. We thought that these items simply must make their appearance in the world at large, one way or another.

Chelle
W-What did you say? So? What do you mean!?

Akino
Instead of explaining, let me show you! Here we go, Mifuyu, Yukari, Tamaki!

Begin animated cutscene.

Akino
Ahh ha ha ha! Allow me to show you now! The engineering prowess of the Mercurius Foundation!

The tarp begins to lift.

Mifuyu
Huh? But I haven't flipped the activation switch yet...

Akino
Have a look at this! This is the crystallization of the St. Theresa's School for Girls (BFFs Club)'s business ideas! We call it, the BFF X!^[1]

BFF X
CHELLUUUUN!

Chloe
What's this? Where are our ideas supposed to be? Haven't they totally mangled it?

Yuni
What a marvel of engineering! Isn't it great? It's fascinating to observe!

Chelle
Yeah, yeah! And the way it booted up was so smart!

Chloe
Eh, why are you two admiring and applauding it? Man, I don't want to hang with this crowd anymore...

Akino
Now, BFF X! Greet everyone!

Silence.

Yukari
Is the BFF X broken?

Tamaki
But I followed the plans to the letter! Move! Come on and move, BFF X, nya!

Chloe
Hold up, the name. Why'd you give it that name.

Chelle
Ehh, I think it's kinda cute, BFF X.

Yuni
But if the plans were drawn up based on the ideas that we came up with, then the naming rights should belong to us as well... Okay, then, I hereby name it Super Yunichan!

Chloe & Chelle
That ain't it.

The BFF X morphs into a giant mecha.

Chloe & Yuni & Chelle
Whaaaaat!?

Yuni
It suddenly changed out of its spherical form!?

Chelle
This is the true form of the BFF X...

Chloe
For a moment there, I thought it looked pretty cool, but...

Chloe & Yuni & Chelle
Looking more closely, it looks just as dumb as ever...

Akino
Oh? Did it always have this functionality?

Mifuyu
Mmm... nnnn... Akino! The BFF X is out of control!

Others
Huh!?

BFF X
CHELLOPOPA CHELALE LALELO.

The BFF X destroys the schoolhouse.

Chloe & Yuni & Chelle
WHAAAT!?

End of animated cutscene.

Yuni
Oh... Ohhhhh...!

Chloe
Wait, what! What just happened!?

Chelle
It went pewww! It went pewww and used some kind of laser attack!? Eh, does it really need that? Why did you add that kind of feature!?

Tamaki
W-Well, I thought it would be cool... so I put it in, nya...!

Chelle & Chloe
You've gotta be chelly in the head!

Yuni
Still, I understand, Miss Tamaki. Emotion over meaning -- that choice calls out to my inner romantic. This BFF X is certainly worthy of being the subject of fine literature.

Chloe
This isn't the time to be saying that. Those romantic, literary lasers are blowing up half the school right now. ... Well, class is already out, so nobody should've been hurt, but still.

Yuni
Oh, certainly, this won't do. With all that remains unknown, such academic romanticism ill befits someone of my age. That rapid transformation and those light-emitting weapons are right out of a picture scroll I once read about giant mechanical dolls...

Yuni
Ah, does it have drills? Hey, it doesn't have drills, does it?

Akino
Mifuyu!? What is this situation!? What has happened to the BFF X!?

Mifuyu
It isn't receiving any of my control inputs at all! It's completely running wild!

Yukari
This is why I was against this! I said that these ideas of Akino's never turn out well!

Tamaki
Don't lie! Yukari, you were all excited about this! The fact that you carefully budgeted everything out is proof of that!

Yukari
Are you sure, I don't remember doing that at all... All I remember is Akino offering me a frightful number of drinks...

Yukari
A-Anyway, we have to stop it, quick! Otherwise, it'll destroy the school!

Teacher
All of you, what is this racket. Disturbing the peace for all of the girls of St. Theresa's is...

Teacher
Ohhhh, the schoolhouse is on fire!? W-W-What on earth is this steel giant...!

BFF X
CHELLU... CHELLULULULULULULU...

Yuuki
1. "The BFF X is on the move!"

Yuni
It's... moving towards Mother Hilda!

Chelle
Teacher, run! The BFF X is coming towards you!

Teacher
T-The BFF X...?

BFF X
YES. I AM THE BFF X. CHELLUUN.

Chloe
It stopped... to greet her...?

Akino
It responds vocally to anyone who calls to it, using its language functionality (Chellese edition)! Yes, this idea was given to us by Chelle!

Chelle
No, no, it's totally wrong. My "Talk-to-you Chelle" is at least 7 trillion times cuter than this.

Akino
And there's more! The design of the chassis is overflowing with the street fashion concepts that Chloe described to us!

Chloe
No, I think "street" is being generous -- "sewer" is more like it. If that's the fashion you're saying you got from me, then I seriously ought to sue you for slander.

Akino
And then, taking what we learned from Yuni's "Soaring Yunicopter," we endowed it with full consciousness and autonomous motion functions that can operate to perfection!

Yuni
What, I've heard nothing of this. Did you search through the wreckage of the Yunicopter on your own, at the site of that unfortunate explosive accident?

Yuni
Ah, well, I will just have to file a complaint at the foundation's customer center afterwards. For now, the protection of Mother Hilda is...

Teacher
T-This giant can understand common language...? Ahem... Giant fellow over there! This is a sacred place of learning -- vacate the premises at once!

BFF X
ACTIVATING SPEECH FUNCTIONALITY. TARGET, MOTHER HILDA.

BFF X
YOUR WRINKLES ARE LOOKING SPLENDID TODAY. HILARIOUS.

Teacher
HAAAH!?

Chelle
Ahh, teacher! She was shocked by the sudden verbal abuse!

BFF X
GRANDMA WITH THE LONG LECTURES. YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. TEXTBOOK VICE PRINCIPAL. YOU PEAKED WHEN YOU WERE A YOUNG GIRL. YOU SCOLD STUDENTS TO FILL THE VOID IN YOUR LIFE. YOU SANCTIMONIOUSLY PREACH THE DIVINE. BUT DIVINE GUIDANCE IS MOSTLY A DELUSION.

Teacher
Aba, ababababa... Gulp.

Chelle
Teacher! Teacherrrr!

Chloe
Eh... Man, this hunk of junk is scary. It just fires off crazy insults without any rhyme or reason. What a monster.

Akino
Yes, it wields its cutting wit without even a shred of mercy. In fact, if you can imagine, the BFF X's personality settings are patterned after the acrid wit of the BFFs Club's queen of verbal abuse, Chloe herself.

Chloe
Right.

Chloe
Sorry, I know this is a bit sudden, Merc F members, but I just want to check one thing with you all.

Chloe
Is this girl an idiot?

Yukari
Well...

Mifuyu
That is...

Tamaki
It's impossible to deny...

Akino
I can hear you! Who are you calling an idiot!?

Yuni
However, um, ladies, in this situation... I wonder what to do.

Yuni
The BFF X seems quite incorrigible. It has my knowledge, Chloe's offensiveness, and Chelle's chelluun all rolled into one.

Chloe
For real, I have no idea how things got this heated...

Chelle
Also, can't you try to think of a better contribution for me?

BFF X
CHE, LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

From the nightmarish collaboration between the Mercurius Foundation and St. Theresa's School for Girls, the sharp-witted giant "BFF X" suddenly burst onto the scene. The boarding school was now in unprecedented danger.